From Deep Thought

Overview

The objective line in your résumé should contain none of the following:

• Useful, targeted statements of your intent to be employed.
• Your prospective job title. That would be far too direct.

It should contain some of the following:

• Pointless, motivational blather.
• Moonspeak.

Examples

"To utilize my management and team skills and provide leadership and support to enhance the working environment."

Lead on, madame assistant! Lead us - to prompt lunch delivery! Hired.

"To secure a position with a company whose mission is the pursuit of excellence."

"Excellence, you say?? Forged in the deep ravines of Mount Doom!" - Ritz
"They have three days lead on us!" - Coffman
"Quickly, to the fields of Rohan!" - Ritz
"You have my bow." - Coffman
"- and my axe!" - Ritz
Hired.

"A position as an administrative assistant."

This one is far too pointed. Fail.

"To obtain a position with a fast-paced and growing company in the Charleston area."

"It's good you're looking for a growing company, because otherwise you wouldn't be hired. Think about it." - Coffman

"To further enhance my culinary skills in order to become a more rounded cook."

"I'd like my data scattered, smothered, and chunked." - Ritz
"- with my axe!" - Coffman
"More rounded? Does that mean you want to put on an extra 20 pounds?" - Cleveland
Hired.

"To obtain a full time position in the marketing field utilizing my communication skills and driven personality traits while making a contribution to the company."

"Translation: I scored well on the SAT's for verbiage!" - Ritz

"Seeking a work environment in which I may apply my planning, organizational and time management skills to help an organization to achieve important objectives."

"Seeking place to do things... for goals." - Ritz
"Good idea to focus on the IMPORTANT objectives. Unimportant objectives are so mundane." - Cleveland
"Hired. ... Twice." - Coffman
"Got lunch?" - Grimes

"Experienced administrative assistant seeking secretarial and/or clerical job for a professional corporation."

"What's a cleric? Some sort of specialized mage?" - Coffman
"We need a cleric - we already have a fighter and a thief in our group." - Ritz
"Does the cleric have a cloak of invisibility? We could use one of those." - Cleveland

"To obtain an Administrative Position"

"...Raises eyebrow..." - Coffman
"Why's it in caps?" - Ritz
"Come back with my Administrative Position, fiend!" - Coffman

"To successfully obtain a full-time position that will allow me to further my professional career as well to better your company by providing excellent customer service and administrative assistance."

"I am prompted to insert a 'sic' in there somewhere, but I haven't quite placed it..." - Coffman
"I like how 'providing excellent customer service' is ancillary to furthering her professional career. 'Yes--I will help you in just a moment, soon as I'm finished scaling the ladder!'" - Ritz
"Paging Dr. Run-on! Dr. Run-on, your patient has arrived!" - Coffman
"My other conjunction is a preposition" - Ritz
"Admin Assistant is furthering a career? Curious as to what the ultimate career objective is." - Cleveland

"Professional and ambitious..."

"Professional and ambitious individual seeking to acquire a position where I can utilize my excellent organizational and communicational skills within a professional environment. To further advance my career through obtaining a position that provides the opportunity for developmental challenges."
Good Lord, this one is so long it broke the wiki! - Cleveland
<panting for breath>... Please don't make me read this one aloud again. - Cleveland

"To work in an environment where I may best utilize my computer and customer service skills."

"Plain Jane seeks gainful employment. More at eleven." - Ritz
"To work at the customer service desk of Wal-Mart." - Coffman
"Which version of DOS are you all using?" - Ritz

"To be part of an organization that will allow me to interact and use my special gifts in working with children and or the public."

"Earth! Fire! Water! Wind! Heart! With your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!!" - Ritz
"'And/or'? Children may possibly not be part of the public." - Ritz

"Looking for a job with a fast paced company where I can use my years of experience and my positive personality and attitude to contribute to the growth and profit of an organization."

"1) Fast paced, 2) Growth, 3) Profit!" - Coffman
"Looking for a comment I can make using my years of studying words of English of the lanuage that most people speak of day to day affairs of which I use ot criticize this objective of which the person wrote, of." - Ritz
"She forgot the words 'environment', 'organization' - oh, no, got that one... She's got the gamut of objective keywords and phrases." - Coffman
"This person may just balance my negative personality. Nah, she can't be THAT positive." - Cleveland

Matrix-Style Résumé

(Not an objective, an actual resume. Submitted as html file.)

"I'm 'jacking-in' -- to a better career!" - Coffman
"Accomplishments: defeated Mr. Smith" - Coffman

"To utilize my Broadcasting degree to begin a successful career."

The applicant emailed us again, shortly after sending the résumé, to give us an updated objective that would be more to our liking...
"AKA: I have super power speeds when getting lunch! So basically I am looking for a JOB!! [...] Don't be scared of my myspace page!!!" - The Applicant
"You have bested us in a battle of skill, and we yield indubitably." - Coffman